


diamond

by viiisenya



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Punisher (TV 2017)
Genre: Angst, Gen, One Shot, an exploration of billy's feelings about the castle family, billy russo is so pretty and makes me so sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-27
Updated: 2017-12-27
Packaged: 2019-02-22 12:31:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13166982
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/viiisenya/pseuds/viiisenya
Summary: "'But you knew about it, didn't you? Did you know about it, Bill?''Yeah. I knew.''She loved you.'"-Billy Russo thinks he knows the familial love he longs for with the Castles, but doubtful little voices are so convincing when they've been following you forever.





	diamond

**Author's Note:**

> I finally finished The Punisher and I loved every single character, especially Billy. I know the dialogue quote I included from the show is referring to Maria, but I really do think that Billy and Lisa would have such a strong relationship. This one shot is my interpretation of what I think was going through Billy's head and it's more focused on his attachment to Lisa. 
> 
> This is by no means me trying to ship them (which I really hope no one has done because that's super gross and creepy). I just really think that Billy was sincere with telling Frank that he would change the past if given the chance. 
> 
> I'll let you get to it; there'll be another note at the end further explaining my rationale and hopefully working out any confusion (it is 3am after all lol). 
> 
> Enjoy -

People always whispered that it was unfair that he was pretty _and_ smart, that he could only pick one or the other but not both. It was bothersome in the beginning, he couldn’t deny it, but it slowly became a game and a joke and a move made out of spite. The whispers became just that, whispers like the ones in the back of his head. If he could just make himself better than everyone, maybe it’d silence the little voices.

One decision became a move and the move went into action, like one foot forward after the last one until he was running and couldn’t stop. Not that he wanted to, though; it felt good. And maybe at one point he really did feel guilty and a little dirty, but with Rawlins sweeping up the mess behind him, there was no proof that there even was a mess to begin with so the guilt was swept away too. If it was to silence the little voices, make them be gone even for just a while, it was justified. He deserved this after all, with the shitty childhood he was forced to endure. He deserved to be happy, and great, and loved. He deserved to be _loved_.

The guilt in this situation, however, was staggering and unavoidable.

He looked down at the hand he was holding, the one swinging his own arm as he followed Lisa who followed her own parents just a few steps ahead. They were going to the park, the one by the painted ponies that she and little Frank loved so much. Frankie always complained that they should be growing out of it soon as if he really hated going to the carousel; he knew damn well that there was nothing that made Frankie happier than watching his little girl laugh and smile on one of those painted ponies. It made him happy too.

He loved Lisa like she was his own daughter, having watched her grow up all these years. He and Frankie were in and out with the tours, but knowing that Lisa was just as excited to see Uncle Billy made his heart soar. They were always making jokes and she’d pick on him, unraveling all of his clever little stories. But it was always okay because it was Lisa and she was the sweetest damned thing that ever walked into his life.

And that made this harder than it should have been. It wasn’t just Lisa that loved him, but Maria too who loved him like a brother as much as Frankie did. He could remember little Frank squealing when he carried him on his shoulder across the grass, mimicking the sounds of airplanes and all of them laughing. It was the laughter and smiles that always got him, whether it was Maria nearly spitting her drink out of her mouth or watching Frankie concede to another joke about him with that dumb grin on his face. It was little Frank’s toothless smile at Christmas after getting that gift he was promised, and it was _especially_ the little smiles that he shared with Lisa when they were the only two to see something, that made him feel like he was at home. Lisa and her little smiles filled with sunshine and warmth made him feel like he was _loved._ Maria pressing sincere kisses to his cheek, reminding him he’s family to them made him feel like he was wanted, _loved._

Maybe this _was_ his family, the one he wanted and was chasing for so long. A brother and a sister, a nephew and a niece, not by blood but by bond. Being with the Castles made the little voices even more little.

But the voices weren’t silent. They were still there, no matter how quiet they got. And that was why it was necessary. This is _why_ it’s necessary, he shouted in his own head trying to drown out the doubt.

 _You don’t deserve this. You don’t deserve any of this. It’s not real, Billy, it’s never been real. Let go of it now while you can._ Maybe they were right. Maybe it wasn’t real, and that was why this was necessary.

He didn’t want to believe the voices, but they were constant and consistent and so convincing. He desperately wanted to believe that the small hand he held wanted him there; he wanted to believe that this family – _his_ family – wanted him here, but it was hard.

He didn’t want it to come to this, but being smart meant making hard decisions.

He told them he would absolutely have no part in it when they asked him to carry this out. He could never do that, but he wasn’t going to stop them. This was necessary for quieting the voices (the voices that might be right; that their love is fake). This was necessary for him.

“Hey Lis?” He stopped walking and she stopped with him, his mouth going dry. They were nearing the entrance of the park. She looked up at him with those big eyes that were soft around the edges like her mom’s but were undeniably Frankie’s.

“Yeah, Uncle Billy?” He dropped his hand from hers and then to one knee so that they were at eye-level. One arm was draped over his knee, the other on her shoulder.

“You know I love ya, right?” He asked, his voice sounding foreign to his own ears.

She tilted her head to the side, confused but smiled regardless. It was almost enough to make him call Rawlins and tell him to go fuck himself with that goddamn tape and call this off. It was almost enough to steer them away from the park. Almost, but not enough. _It’s not real, Billy. It’s not real._

“Of course I do,” Lisa responded, smiling. The conviction in her voice was diamond; unbreakable, refined, _incomparable_ to any other _._ Or so it seemed. “Why? What’s wrong?"

_It’s not real, Billy. It was never, ever real. They’ll leave you like your mother unless you leave them first. Everyone leaves, leaves, leaves._

He tried engulfing the voices in his mind with blackness, tried silencing them with a hard, blank slate. It didn’t work, it never worked. He swallowed then sighed, averting his eyes for a moment. When he looked back at her, he smiled.

“Nothing,” he lied. “Just thought I’d let you know.” That was not a lie.

Lisa grinned. “Well, I love you too, Uncle Billy.” His heart swelled with something he could not name. The familial love he was ardently searching for? Anxiety? Betrayal? He popped it before he could think about it more.

“Everything okay back there?” He looked past Lisa who herself looked over her shoulder to her father who had called out. He towered over Maria and little Frank, the three of them having stopped near the entrance of Central Park. God, this was it.

He leaned down and placed a kiss near Lisa’s hairline before standing up again, smiling a lie at his closest friend. The two of them approached her family. “’S’nothing, Frankie boy.”

“You sure you don’t want to join us for the picnic?” Maria asked him.

“We’re going to the painted ponies after, Uncle Billy!” Little Frank reminded him, sounding much younger than he really was. That scared him a little more.

“Wish I could, Maria, but y’know, I got this business stuff to take care of. Already running a little late,” he said. His eye contact was skittish just like his heartbeats, the lies becoming overwhelming. But the voices, they were surprisingly quiet. 

Maria pretended to make a noise of disappointment and Frankie even clicked his tongue. “Still joining us for dinner though, Bill?”  

“It’s spaghetti,” Maria dragged out the word with an inviting lilt and the biggest smile on her face. Lisa and little Frank looked up at him, waiting for the ‘yes’ they knew was coming.

He looked at the two of them then at the kids, and smiled, hyperaware of the crinkles near his eyes and the tightness around his mouth. “Wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

Frank smiled back, clasping a hand to his shoulder. “You always got a spot at our table, Bill.”

“I know, brother.” 

“Well, we better let you get going to that big meeting you have!” Maria said, readjusting the picnic basket at the bend of her arm.

“Yeah,” he said, leaning forward to place a chaste kiss on Maria’s cheek. He ruffled little Frank’s hair and gave one more nod to Frank. Lisa had stepped forward to join her family (for the fate that only he knew of, but that was his secret now).

“See you later, Uncle Billy!” She exclaimed, grabbing her father’s hand. He could feel his eyes stinging suddenly.

“Bye, Lisa.”

He saw her eyes twitch in confusion, it was brief but he saw it. Lisa was a smart, smart girl, he knew this, but he hoped she didn’t notice he said ‘bye’ instead of ‘see you later’ like he always did.

He turned on his heel as soon as they turned to enter the park. His strides were fast, taking him away from them as quickly as possible. He slowed in front of a darkened windowed, seeing his own reflection.

He allowed a sniffle before rolling his shoulders back, sighing as a way to reset himself. He swiped his nose with his knuckles, stuck his chin up, and smiled at the man who stared back at him.

The silence in his head settled his heart, and that was it.

**Author's Note:**

> Billy is so complex and I love and hate him at the same time. I really do believe that he loved the Castles and meant a lot of what he said about Frank (the stuff that he'd hope that Frank wouldn't show up at the hotel so he wouldn't have to kill him). 
> 
> But, and this is my own interpretation, Billy is damaged and I've read some commentary on his character that says that he's selfish and disbelieving of any sort of love given to him. This makes sense to me and it's consistent with who he is when he's interacting with his mother and his womanizing tendencies. I think the love that the Castles gave him was too surreal for him, and after not believing of being worthy of love for so long, I can see how a person would be able to walk away from it. Billy's walk from the Castles was not an easy one, though, but I think he would justify that it was absolutely necessary for him. 
> 
> I fully understand and believe that Billy did not want anything to do with their deaths, and I don't want him walking with them to the park before leaving to be interpreted as being apart of the mission. I think Billy would have wanted to say goodbye to them, Lisa especially, and I hope I did a decent job of underlining his selfishness by not choosing to save them from their deaths. 
> 
> Idk! I just have a lot of feelings about this show and Billy lol. If anyone wants to talk to me about Billy, my tumblr is viiisenya. 
> 
> I'll be posting Kastle one shots in the future. 
> 
> Thank you for reading -


End file.
